Gratefulness and Graciousness, An Editorial

New Year’s is one of those times when one likes to stop a moment and take stock of the little pleasures, joys and accomplishments of the past year and consider how to increase both those received and those engendered in the coming year. One of the easiest and most appreciated ways to makes someone else happy is becoming one of the rarest: the thank you.

It’s such a simple thing but, like the smile, it has the power to alter someone’s mood for the better. Yet no one seems to practice it any more. We tend to hold the door for whoever is behind us. It’s a practice, like giving up our seat on the bus or subway that we learned from our parents. It takes little effort, just turn your head to see if there is someone on the way to the door you are passing through and hold the door open for the extra moment until they reach it. It’s a small sign of civility. If you’re feeling really civilized you can even smile at them or let them pass through the door before you – but that’s gravy. The holding of the door is sufficient. The obligation of the person for whom you have performed this little act of kindness is simply to acknowledge it with a smile and a nod or the phrase “thanks,” “thank you” or something similar. (The sarcastic or snarled, “you’re welcome” when said acknowledgement is not forthcoming is neither necessary nor polite – but sometimes it does make one feel better.)

On a larger scale, we ingratiated ourselves with the parents of many friends and dates when after being invited over for dinner we called the next morning to say thank you. It was what Mom said was the right thing to do, it never took more than a minute or two, but it was remembered for far longer than that.

Recently we threw our annual New Year’s Eve party for all our friends. As they put on their coats in the wee hours everyone exclaimed about what a wonderful time they’d had, what a great party it had been and how they hoped to be invited back next year. We washed the dishes and packed up the leftovers with a light heart. The next morning, as we vacuumed the confetti from under the dining room table, between the sofa cushions and inside the standing lamps we replayed snippets of the evening in our mind and smiled at the compliments of our guests. Around noon the phone rang. It was a guest from the previous evening, a man perhaps in his late fifties. He was calling he said to thank his hosts for a lovely evening. “What a well mannered gentleman you are. Your mother would be proud,” we said with a grin. “What do you mean?” he asked. We informed him that he was the first to call to say thank you and that, while it remained our custom to call after a party or a dinner or just a night at friends playing board games we had noticed that no one else seemed to do it anymore. We thanked him for the call and returned to putting away the good champagne glasses with a happy heart. No one else called that day to say thank you, although over the next few days we ran into or spoke to friends who remarked on what a great time they’d had. Lest you think us ungracious, we remind you that we host the party because we love entertaining and we love our friends, but it is still nice to be reminded that they appreciate the effort. And as easy as a phone call is, the actual thank you note seems to have gone the way of the dodo.

This is true in business as well. We have noticed that people coming in for job interviews don’t call (or email) the next day to thank you for your time. And they don’t send a note anymore either. Even in situations like job interviews, sales or public relations meetings and the like these little gestures seem to have disappeared. Back when we were in public relations and an editor or writer covered our area we sent a hand-written note thanking them for their efforts. This seemed like common sense and common courtesy (as well as good business tactics) to us, but the astonishment and appreciation with which these notes were received let us know that everyone else wasn’t doing it. We wondered why.

If your list of resolutions is not already overwhelming we suggest that you consider adding just one more. We call it the gratitude resolution and it is easier to make and to keep than the one about losing 20 pounds or learning to snowboard. Just resolve to share your gratitude. If someone holds the door, thank her. If someone gives you stellar service, thank him (and let his boss in on it too.) If someone invites you over for dinner or to a party, or someone has your child over for a play date, thank her – and have your child do the same. No, you don’t have to send time-consuming hand-written notes to the entire world, (although we do prefer them for responding to actual gifts) email, voice mail or telephone calls are more than adequate. Like everything else, it’s the thought that counts. And nothing conveys your appreciation and gratitude better than a thank you. You’ll enjoy the feeling, as well as the smiles you receive in return.

We wish you and those you care about a happy, healthy, gracious 2003.

Next we’ll work on why so few people respond to invitations any more – how can we prepare if we don’t know how many people will be attending?